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Manager as Coach E-Zine - Issue No. 13/ August 2006

Dear Reader,

This month’s article is a continuation on the theme of listening, one of the most useful skills in a coach manager’s toolkit. I hope you’ll find it a practical guide to increasing your skills and thereby connecting much more fully with your work mates.

Cheers,

Angela Spaxman

Alliance Partner of Progress-U Limited

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What Stops You from Listening?

By Angela Spaxman, Business and Career Coach, Director of Spaxman Limited,
Coach Training Expert for Progress-U Ltd.

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Last month's article "Listening Like a Coach" discusses the value of listening and explains how the most effective listening is done. This month I'll go into more specifics about the common barriers managers face when listening.

Please take a look at the headings and read the sections that describe what stops you from listening fully and effectively.

Barrier #1:   I am impatient. I have many other things to get done.

The bad news is that listening is not an activity that responds well to multi-tasking. You cannot listen and read at the same time! You cannot even listen and think at the same time. (Have you ever noticed that if someone speaks to you while you are quiet, but thinking, that you can't hear what he says?) The brain can only handle one input at a time.

Therefore you will need to decide first whether or not you are going to listen. If you have a deadline to meet or other distractions, it may be better to postpone your listening until you are no longer distracted. If now is the right time to listen, put those other thoughts aside, quiet your mind and prepare yourself to listen.

If this is a continuing problem for you, you might consider setting aside certain times of the day or the week for listening to your staff members. If you listen really well to someone just once a week, (yes, even to your spouse) you will deepen your mutual understanding significantly.  

Barrier #2:   I'm impatient. I just want my staff to listen to me and do what I ask.

This is traditional management thinking, and within certain limits, it works. You can feel like a very successful manager with a lot of very quiet, obedient people around you. However, you will never be able to harness the full potential of your staff. The limits of your success will be the limits of your own thinking and your ability to find people who are willing to follow you.

There are times, such as emergency situations, when a directive management style is appropriate. And you don't have to be a good listener all the time!

To improve your listening, you may have to change the way you value other people's thoughts and opinions. You will be evolving yourself to a higher level of leadership. This is a big step and the only way to increase your ability to influence and lead.

Refer to Barriers #4 and #5 for more tips on how to find value in listening.

Barrier #3:   I'm afraid I will forget the ideas that come into my head.

It's very useful to remember that whatever thoughts you have, you will be able to recall them later if they are useful and relevant. There's no need to say them as you have them. Trust that they will be there for you if you need them.

There's also no need to write down your thoughts or the details of what you are hearing. You will hear much more if you just continue to listen. Whatever you write down will be all that you hear. You'll miss the rest. It's better to take notes after your conversation when you have an awareness of the whole thing and once you know what is really important.

If you don't believe me, you can do a test with two partners. Have one person talk while the other two listen, one of them taking copious notes and the other just listening. The two listeners can take turns asking questions to prompt the speaker.

I'm sure you'll discover that the person who is just listening hears much more deeply into the true meaning of the speaker. Of course, the person taking notes may remember more dates, numbers, names and other specifics, but those items are not actually the most important aspects to learn through listening. You can easily get those details later. What's most important is the thinking, feelings and motivations of the speaker.

Remember also that coaching happens in the moment of the conversation, as well as in the actions the coachee takes afterwards. If you are too busy taking notes during the conversation, you will miss what is important.

I'm often amazed with the huge difference between what I see as important in a coaching session and what my clients experience. A week after a session a coachee may thank me for the insights in the session, telling me it really worked and very often it is not what I remember as being most important. This common occurrence reminds me that what's important is in the mind of the coachee, not the coach.

Barrier #4:   I feel bored.

Feeling bored is an indication that you are resisting listening, so the first thing you can do to understand the situation is to ask yourself what makes you uncomfortable with listening. Are you avoiding something? Some honesty will help you uncover the root cause of your resistance.

To feel less bored you can exercise your curiosity. Be amazed by the other person's way of thinking, their assumptions, their motivations, and everything else you can hear. If you pay attention fully, listening is not boring. It is a unique chance to experience someone else's world from their point of view.

Think for example about listening to a young child. You may not expect to gain new insights and knowledge from someone so inexperienced and naïve. But when you listen fully you can remind yourself of your own lost innocence, a perspective on life long forgotten and profoundly valuable for understanding what it means to be human. Everyone is worth listening to as long as you know how to be open and curious.

Also check the advice in Barrier #5 for some interesting things to listen for.

Barrier #5:   I don't know what to listen for.

What's the purpose of your listening? The answer to that question will point to what you need to listen for.

Here is a list of some key elements that coaches listen for in order to build self-awareness, responsibility and self-confidence in our coachees.

Listen for:

•  External needs

•  Internal needs

•  Values

•  Goals

•  Motivations

•  Assumptions

•  Beliefs

•  Feelings and emotions

Barrier #6:   I'm afraid to hear what they have to say.

It takes some honesty to admit this barrier, so congratulations for considering this possibility. I think all of us are guilty of not listening for this reason at certain times.

Have you ever asked your staff to give you open, honest feedback about how they find working with you? And how much of what they say are you willing to hear? (The more you are willing to listen, the more they will be willing to tell you the truth.)

Indeed, when we really listen to others, it behooves us to respond as well. In this aspect listening can be challenging. By listening well, you challenge yourself to fully understand another viewpoint, then respond and improve.

It's also useful to remember that the fear you may feel about others' opinions is simply a feeling and not a rational way to think. In fact, getting more information from other viewpoints, even if painful, is the only way to progress.

Breathe deeply and listen. You'll do yourself some good.

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