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Dear Reader,
Are you a 'violent communicator'? I hope not!
So what's the point in considering reading a book with the title 'Non Violent Communication'? And why do we talk here about it in the context of Emotional Intelligence?
Once you read Sebastien's article, you will see that the book is closely related to EQ and that it might be a worthwhile read even if you wouldn't describe your communication style as violent. Hope you'll enjoy the article!
Let's keep progressing!
Charlie Lang
Executive Coach and Founder of Progress-U Ltd.
Author of The Groupness Factor
Sharing With You “Non Violent Communication”
 Download this article
by Sebastien Henry, Executive Coach & Trainer Emotional Intelligence Expert for Progress-U Ltd.
 This month I would like to share with you a book that I deeply appreciate and which I frequently recommend to my coaches or the people I coach.
It was written by Marshall Rosenberg and its title is “Non Violent Communication”.
As this point, you might be surprised that I recommend this book, as this title seems to refer to a “New Age” soft approach that would not be suitable for the corporate world.
I can relate to this concern as I had exactly the same impression when I first heard of this book. And I can also see this reaction on the face of my clients when I first recommend it to them.
The truth is they found it very useful in most cases, and let me tell you that it would be heard to describe them as violent bosses who beat up their staff!
“Non Violent Communication” is an approach developed by the author to harmonize interpersonal relationships, build deep trust and pacify conflicts.
It is used widely in personal development workshops in Europe and in the US. It is also used in hot spots in the world where deep-rooted conflicts take place, like between Israeli and Palestinians.
However, it is not common in corporations (at least not under this name). And it is also pretty rare in Asia (there is no certified facilitator in Asia, whereas there is a large number of facilitators in the US and in Europe).
I believe that the reason this approach has not really earned recognition in the corporate world has a lot to do with its name.
Who in a corporation would raise his hand to become “non violent”? However, in my experience, many leaders would be willing to use an approach that makes it possible to build deep trust with their team members, creating high engagement and dedication.
This is precisely where the beauty of non violent communication (NVC) lies.
Conceptually, NVC is deceptively simple. It suggests that whenever I communicate with any other person:
1) I make sure that I express clearly:
- what I feel
- what I need from the other person
- what I request from the other person to address this need
2) I assist the other person in expressing clearly:
- what she feels
- what she needs from me
- what she requests from me to address her need
This pattern is particularly recommended whenever there are possible points of friction.
I told you that it was simple!
I also told you that it was deceptively simple…
You start realizing this when you read the examples provided by the author (there are many all over the book). Some dialogues are truly amazing, unlocking deeply engrained conflicts.
And you become convinced that it is deceptively simpleindeed when you start practicing.
With regards to the first part, many people realize that they don’t really express clearly any of the three suggested elements (their feelings, needs, requests).
When it comes to the second part (uncovering the feelings, needs, and requests of the other person), it is a shocking realization of how little time and effort we usually spend to inquire about them.
Most conversations are an exchange of facts and arguments, quite at the surface level, and totally miss these crucial elements.
The good news is that when you start practicing this approach as a leader, you will really stand out. Because you will be quite alone out there! This is certainly a big pity. It is also a major opportunity for you to create exceptional engagement in your team.
I wish that you will get inspired by this book as much it inspired me!
Warmly,
Sebastien
Feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss the content of this article. I am passionate about this issue and always enjoy sharing views and ideas.
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