|
Dear Reader,
"Being nice and tough not impossible", published in SCMP Classified Post and in our January 08 leadership e-zine apparently hit a nerve with a number of readers.
Even the head of a large Hong Kong conglomerate invited me to meet with him as a result of this article because - as he said - he sees too many 'Marys' in his organization.
It's rather unusual that we get considerable feedback to our articles which means to me that this article obviously hit a nerve with some of our readers.
If you also want to know more about how you can be 'nice and tough' with your people, means having great relationships AND getting the job done, then email me at
charlie.lang@progressu.com
Let's keep progressing!
Charlie Lang
Executive Coach and Founder of Progress-U Ltd.
Author of The Groupness Factor
From the coach's bench: Learn to manage feelings better
By Charlie Lang, Executive Coach & Trainer @ Progress-U Limited
Published in SCMP Classified Post on 19th January 2008
 Download this article
When I first met Ellie, a 45-year-old chief operating officer of a European electronics group, I was puzzled. She spoke dynamically and with great energy, but her eyes looked tired.
Ellie said she hired me to provide support in formulating strategy on people issues during the major restructuring that the company was undertaking.
When senior managers decide to hire an executive coach, they usually state business-related objectives for the coach to work on with them.
However, in most cases, the manager is actually experiencing some kind of difficulty on a deeply-troubling and related, or underlying issue which they want to be able to deal with better in order to feel better about themselves.
This was also the case with Ellie. During our second session, she revealed that she was deeply troubled by the politics fostered by some directors and the lack of moral support from her chief executive.
As a result, she was having problems with sleeping, which was affecting her ability to keep up the high pace she normally prefers.
While it was important to address and work on the issues that Ellie articulated when she hired me, I found it more urgent to help Ellie improve her emotional state. She said it not only affected her sleep but also her relationship with her family.
To help her deal better with her emotions, I told her this story:
CL Imagine, someone writes a nasty letter to you, insults you and calls you names, then puts the letter into an envelope, seals it and mails it to you. How would you feel about this letter?
E I would probably be angry and upset.
CL Now imagine that you never open the envelope. How would you feel then?
E No feelings, because I don't know what's inside.
CL So what makes you potentially upset?
E The contents of the letter.
CL Really? The content is there, inside the letter.
E Oh, I see, it's me knowing the content then.
CL Yes, and especially, how you interpret it once you know it, because you could think in one of several ways. You could think that this is unfair, how can he write such a thing to me? Or you can think that if this person writes such nonsense to me, then I couldn't be bothered. Finally you might think that it's really a pity that he has this opinion about me. Let me see how I could help him to understand me better.
In the first case, you would feel angry or upset. In the second, you would feel indifferent. And in the last case, you would feel compassionate.
These are three different emotions, depending on how you choose to think. It suddenly dawned on Ellie that if she wanted to feel better immediately and sleep more peacefully at night, she would need to start thinking differently about her current circumstances. Learning to detach herself emotionally from the situation also helped her deal better with the current problem.
She further understood that giving her best is the best she can do and if things do not turn out as desired, she would have the awareness that she at least gave her best in the process.
It turned out that Ellie could manage her feelings much better, and a welcome consequence of this was the increased respect of the directors for her.
For more information related to Progress-U Leadership Training and Coaching, please click here.
For more information about the author of this articles click here. |
